Elevating Your Self-Awareness to Restore your Peace

[This is the transcript of Session 2 at the Emotional Intelligence Online Summit 2022 with Sandra Ciavarella.]

When you see yourself clearly, you can be more confident, creative, in control and calmer. You can build healthier relationships, communicate effectively, make better decisions, and live a more fulfilling life.

There is a wonderful quote by the 13th-century Persian poet and scholar Rumi: “Recognise that unlearning is the highest form of learning.”

Before you were old enough to understand your emotions or express your needs, you had already digested hundreds of messages that would influence your authentic self. Throughout your childhood and teenage years, your parents, teachers, extended family, siblings and friends all shared their opinions about the views you believed and expressed, the emotions you experienced, your interests, and even who you spent your time with.

That influence was consuming.

Even the smallest of judgements you received produced an imprint on your brain. Before you were old enough to critically analyse whether there is truth or importance in those judgements (or determine if they were right for you), they became embedded in your subconscious mind.

It's not until much later in life, and generally when you have reached a crisis point or a crossroad, that you become aware of some of these messages that have intentionally closed down parts of your authentic self. They may have been designed to help you understand right and wrong, but what it's done is mould you to fit other people's expectations.

So, the pure, authentic, joyful, creative spirit you were born with may have become lost in these layers of other people's expectations, your conforming behaviours, and even your self-developed fears. Most of us, though, still have a sense of who we are and when we are not being honest and true to ourselves.

However, the more you explore your inner world, the more you become aware of how you show up in your world.

Learning about yourself is a lifelong process, and while our culture loves a quick fix, our lives are complex and worthy of exploration. So, the better you can understand yourself, the better you can be.

So, let me ask you this question:

How self-aware are you?

Take a moment to think about it.

Most of us think that we are self-aware, but in fact, we're not. Though just asking and reflecting on this question is an example of self-awareness.

So, I'll also ask:

How often do you find yourself engaging in this type of reflection?

If you answered "not often," this talk is perfect for you. If you answered "all the time, " this talk is also perfect for you. Why? Because self-awareness is a skill, and like a muscle, it needs a good workout to stay strong and flexible. And it starts with self-reflection. That's the process. As you may have heard, wisdom comes through self-reflection.

I remember a few years ago, when attending a leadership conference, we were asked to break out into small groups and do a self-reflection exercise. Well, I can tell you the first thing I felt was dread and then a heavy knot in my stomach. Next, that internal voice said, “nope,". And that response was important data that I didn't know at the time. However, later, after reflecting, it told me that I perceived this exercise as a threat. I realised I had a fixed mindset rather than a growth mindset, which didn't sit comfortably with me because I'm a person who loves to study human cognition and behaviour. Hence, the reason why I have a psychology degree. However, focusing on others is a lot easier than focusing on me. 

At that moment, I understood something and said to myself, "Sandra, if you don't know yourself, how do you expect anyone else to? How do you expect anyone to meet you where you need to be met or to understand and support you — your needs, ambitions, dreams, challenges?” 

Elevating your self-awareness through self-reflection can be challenging and even scary. Most of us self-reflect with hesitancy at first. What if you realised something about yourself that you don't like? Or what if your secrets that have been very deep down for so long surface? 

Most of us think that if it's out of sight, it's out of mind. But that couldn't be further from the truth. The fact is that we are still carrying the thought, feeling or emotions around, which is draining our daily energy. And we only have a finite amount of energy to expend each day.

When you lack self-awareness, it's difficult to identify your feelings and how they manifest in your daily actions. You are missing the patterns in thinking and behaviours, which increases your chance of experiencing negative emotions because you are unaware of how to better align your choices with what you want, and you can begin to run someone else's race and no longer your own. Comparison is the thief of joy. So if you always do what you've always done, you'll always be what you've always been, or you will always have what you've always had.

What exactly is Self-Awareness?

Well, there are quite a few definitions out there. Still, the one I found the easiest to understand is that self-awareness is the ability to focus on yourself and how your actions, thoughts, or emotions do or don't align with your internal standards. That's by objectively evaluating yourself, managing your emotions, aligning your behaviour with your values, and understanding correctly how others perceive you.

Today we're going to cover quite a few self-awareness topics (not all of them). I want to make this session an addition to your self-awareness toolbox and support you wherever you are in your self-awareness journey.

So, let's switch off from autopilot; take a nice slow deep breath, step into a space of curiosity, not judgment, and explore something real and profound about yourself.

To begin with, we’re going to talk about purpose and values. So often, we stop having deep conversations about purpose. As adults, when we speak about purpose, we tend to frame our purpose in terms of the roles we play. For example, I’m a manager; I'm an entrepreneur, a doctor, and a parent. Some of us may deflect and say that human life has no overarching purpose. Questions such as: 

“What am I doing here?”

“What job should I have?” 

“How do I change things?”

“Should I even be in this situation?” 

These questions can only be answered with some reflection on purpose.  

Today, life is so fast for most of us. We live in a world of instant, and with so much information we absorb daily, the options are endless. This in itself can cause decision fatigue, which is a real thing. As such, you can get swept up in the "just being”; being whatever society expects of you for filling your roles, distracting yourself with work and business, screens, food, exercise, you name it.

So, what good is purpose?

Research has shown that living a life with purpose enhances well-being, such as greater life satisfaction, greater self-compassion, which is kindness and grace for yourself and a feeling of more positive emotions. It also increases your resilience. Even if you aren't enjoying yourself in your circumstance, you can still be fulfilled and look forward to the future with more hope and optimism.  

It decreases ill-being by preventing and correcting psychological well-being, such as less stress, anxiety, and depression.  

Living your purpose feels good. It helps you invest energy in life pursuits and meaningful relationships. Who doesn't want that?

For those who may think, “How can I even begin to know or learn about my purpose?”

Well, one way you can begin is to look at activities that you not only enjoy but are passionate about. This can give you insight into what your purpose is. Passion is a strong inclination that drives you to invest time and energy in something that you find important.  

When you ask yourself reflective questions like, “Why do I find this activity important?” “Why do I enjoy it?”

By answering these questions, that's how you begin to get closer to finding your purpose.  

There's even such a thing called harmonious passion.

That's when your passion puts you in a flow state when you are fully immersed in your activity, and all else fades away — time, people, the world. It's effortless. It's deeply nourishing, and it brings you peace. If you're unsure about what you're passionate about, it's okay; many of us actually are unsure, and that's because life is fluid and things change inside of us and around us. And unless we self-reflect from time to time, we won't know.

So, how do you find out?

Well, one way is to look at your values and why identifying your core values is important to elevating your self-awareness and restoring your peace. The core values are your fundamental beliefs about your life, reflecting what's important to you and what you want more of in your life. They can also remind you of who you are and who you are meant to be in the world. We often have difficulty figuring out our values or even how to describe them. 

However, the key to determining your values is to ensure they are yours and not someone else's. If you want to find out what your core values are, plenty of value questionnaires are available on the internet.

Beliefs.

A belief is an attitude or a conviction about the truth of some idea or concept. Generally, your beliefs are basic concepts, things around you that are consistent and things you rarely question.

They can often be shared by your family and circle of friends. And you tend to apply beliefs to your memories, current experiences, and future as they help you understand the world. Your beliefs are also subconscious, meaning that you’re not aware of them, and they are acquired through two pathways: One is called Disposition Beliefs, and these are beliefs you never really think about because they occur through the process of living. The other is Core Beliefs which you actively contemplate and something you tend to align your values.

So, are beliefs helpful? 

In most settings, Yes.

But they can also lead to errors in judgment or negative thought patterns of yourself, such as the belief that you are not smart enough, you’re not successful enough, or perhaps not athletic enough.

Growing up, I thought I wasn't smart enough and that there was something wrong with me. This was my father’s mantra of me, and it was ingrained at a very young age. So it became my mantra growing up. The most common thing I would say to myself was:  “What's wrong with you, Sandra?"

My grades were mostly average throughout my schooling years. When I finished high school, even though I received my certificate of completion, my overall mark was 37/100. I failed.

Well, this was my thought and belief at the age of 18. At the time, it also reaffirmed my father's belief that there was something wrong with me and that I wasn't smart enough to succeed. I felt deep shame, and I was embarrassed. When all my friends shared their marks about passing and being accepted into university, I lied about my result.

During that time, I believed my friends would no longer want to be my friends if they knew the truth, and I couldn't bear anyone else thinking there was something wrong with me. However, lying to my friends and my family further compounded my shame because I didn't want to lie to the people I loved. So, this strong self-limiting belief partnered with me for most of my adult life. The reason why I use the word “partner” now is that that self-limiting belief isn't my identity. 

I thought it was when I was younger. So, every time I was challenged or failed at something that required my intelligence, it just reinforced that belief. However, it was someone else's belief based on their own limitations and biases. It was someone else's opinion; it wasn't true. However, I had allowed it to rule over my life, and I would second guess myself in everything I worked on, spending an enormous number of hours thinking it had to be perfect. I also couldn't make important decisions quickly. I was afraid I didn't have all the information I needed and could get it wrong.

I can see how people could hold themselves back on opportunities — being afraid and thinking they aren't deserving or worthy. I can tell you this belief was exhausting, and at times it would cripple me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I just couldn't find my pace being in this head space.

It's known that you can't control what thoughts come into your mind, but you can control their strength. You have the ability to weaken those negative thoughts and self-limiting beliefs, and there is a method that is another talk altogether. However, right now, you can start by choosing what thoughts you want to shine your spotlight on.

Shine your spotlight on those thoughts that serve you, and limit the light on those that don’t.

Remember, your thoughts are either expending your energy or replenishing it.

Mindset

Let's talk about fixed versus growth mindset.

Do you think that you have a growth mindset?

Most of us think we do.

However, even though we think we might, a lot of us can still operate in a fixed mindset.

Mindsets are not black and white. You can have a growth mindset while still having some fixed ideas.

You often have more of a growth mindset in one aspect of your life while having more of a fixed mindset in another.

You are born with the innate tendency to want to learn and improve. Your brain has the lifelong ability to change, reorganise and even adapt. However, effort needs to be put in, and you need to make mistakes. You need to struggle and receive constructive feedback. How you perceive and respond to your mistakes and struggles strongly relies on your beliefs.

Do you think that making a mistake is a sign of failure? Or do you see it as an opportunity for growth?

I thought most of my life's mistakes were a sign of failure.

That fixed mindset breaks havoc on my thoughts and feelings about myself and how my body responds. I suffered from frequent stomach and reproductive pain, headaches, migraines, anxiety, and even panic attacks. Our mindset primarily sits in our subconscious.

You need to ask yourself the bright questions to become more self-aware.

Doing so allows you to look at your mindset in different aspects of your life and begin to promote a growth mindset in those areas. Your mindset is one of the most important beliefs that influence your achievements.

What is a Growth Mindset?

A growth mindset indicates that you value effort and process. Making a mistake or not hitting a target means you must try again. That's it. Try a different strategy, or maybe, try a little bit harder. Understand that it's okay to make mistakes. Mistakes offer you an opportunity to grow, and it exercises your grit and tenacity. This allows you to persist when facing obstacles, increasing your chance of achieving a successful goal. For those of us that are perfectionists, let's instead strive for excellence and not perfection. It will take you much further and be far more calming and enjoyable.

So, let's have a look at the advantages of having a growth mindset:

Willingness to learn or to value the opportunity to learn when making mistakes.

Mistakes are okay. Understanding and accepting that effort is required to grow even if you run into an obstacle or fail at it. Struggling with something gives your brain the necessary activity to adapt and become more proficient and efficient. So that's a good thing.

Finding inspiration in the success of others and not being competitive or jealous.

Embracing challenges rather than running from them.

Accepting constructive criticism and having a desire to learn improves motivation and achievement.

Persevering in the face of failures and seeing these failures or obstacles as moments to learn from and improve upon will raise your self-awareness.

The adaptation of a growth mindset can be life-changing. Changing how you view challenges, criticism, obstacles, effort, and others' successes. It can be really liberating, and you might find that you feel better about yourself and the activities that you engage in. In contrast, a fixed mindset indicates a way of thinking based on the thought that “I am who I am” or “I've always been this way.”

Do you say that to yourself and/or to others?

So, whatever you are measuring about yourself, for example, how smart you are or how fit you are, as soon as you make a mistake, you perceive that thinking as true. It also suggests that working hard at something signifies a lack of talent, which isn't the case. This way of thinking can lead you to give up or avoid everything. And that might challenge you because it may lead to mistakes or failures.

Here is a diagram that shows a growth mindset versus a fixed mindset

As you can see at the beginning, you've got challenges. On the top line are the fixed mindset prompts, while on the bottom are the growth mindset prompts. This is how we look at the behaviours that come from our thinking.

Challenges.

Do you avoid challenges? Because that's derived from a fixed mindset, or do you embrace a challenge?

Then it can flow into an obstacle.

So, you've just been challenged, and now you've hit an obstacle.

What do you do: 

Do you give up easily? Or do you persist in the face of setbacks?

Persisting in the face of setbacks is going to require effort.

Do you see the effort as fruitless because you think someone who is more talented is going to be successful at that?

Or do you look at this and go: “This is kind of a path to mastery. This is me. If I practice this and I put the effort in, I can get to that level.”

Then criticism.

Do you ignore useful negative feedback?

I would look at that as constructive feedback. Or do you learn from the constructive feedback that you are provided? 

Then, the success of others.

When that comes into play and others can be more successful, do you feel threatened? Or do you find lessons and inspiration; carve out time to talk to those people and ask what they did?

So, this is the flow to getting to that achievement. You may look at this diagram and see at some point where you commonly stop; if you have parts for a fixed mindset around that particular activity.

So, let's think about what might trigger a fixed mindset. You may have some areas in your life where you have a strong growth mindset and others where you still find fixed beliefs working.

Let us do a little exercise.

I want you to think about some things in your life that might trigger a fixed mindset. This exercise can help alert you in situations where you need to make a conscious effort to cultivate and embrace a growth mindset. 

There are four common triggers (there are more than that, but these are the four most common) that might trigger a fixed mindset.

1. Having to work hard.

Do you ever get overwhelmed by tasks that require a long-sustained effort?

Do you give up when a training plan seems long and hard? Or when your home or office seems to descend into chaos in the evenings? Or a passion project just seems to always exist in the middle phase and never get any closer to being done? Do you compare yourself to others and feel discouraged that other people seem to be putting in less effort to achieve the same goals?

If this describes you, you're probably holding onto society's reinforced fixed belief that being gifted or naturally talented means that no matter how much work you put in, some people are just more talented than you are.

2. Facing setbacks 

If you fail at one task in a series of tasks; for example, eating a handful of biscuits on the first day of your diet program or fitness regime, or you skip a run because it's cold and rainy, do you stop? Do you stop altogether because you feel like you have already failed?

Do you look for and find excuses not to do the things you know will get you closer to your goal? For example, do you use the weather as an excuse to get away from your training? Do you use your unappreciative boss or annoying colleague to give up on an important task or project or not to produce your best work?

Does every setback feel fatal? 

If this describes you, you may be viewing each setback as a roadblock to success. You see short-term mistakes as failures rather than learning opportunities.

If you have a growth mindset, a setback isn't a big deal; you get back on track and focus forward.

Remind yourself of the long-term goal. It takes the pressure off and gives the space for growth and working through those struggles. You're on the journey, and this is all part of it.

3. Receiving negative feedback.

Do you react strongly to critique? Do you feel hurt, insulted, or even angry when criticised? Does negative feedback pose a threat to your identity?

For example, if someone critiques an aspect of your job, parenting style, or fitness performance, does it feel like they're saying you are not good enough?

Do you ever experience negative feedback proving you're not good enough? 

If this describes you, you probably view each best step or mistake as a permanent reflection of your value or self-worth. Remember that your performance is not fixed, nor is your identity, but rather is fluid and can be improved through effort and learning.

Having a growth mindset means you can listen to feedback, learn from it, and apply the feedback and suggestions to improve your performance.

4. Seeing success in others.

Do you feel intimidated by people who are more advanced than you in their journey? Do you often negatively compare yourself to others?

Do you feel that they must have a natural talent or a genius that you do not?

Does seeing success in others make you feel insecure, and you will never be as good as they are?

If this describes you, you may not be acknowledging the amount of time and effort other people put into their successes. There is no reason you can't get to a similar level if you put in your effort. However, it’s got to be your journey, dreams, and goals.

We all have fixed mindset triggers, and moving toward a more growth mindset is a journey.

So, here is how to begin changing your fixed mindset to a more growth mindset:

1. Identify where you are in life and have a growth mindset vs. a fixed mindset.
2. Identify your fixed mindset triggers. Doing so allows you to understand the reaction of what you do when it comes to your behaviour and persona when triggered. You can even give it a name. Doing so elevates your self-awareness. 

It's not you; it’s part of who you are, but it isn't actually part of your identity.

3.  Talk to your fixed mindset persona.

What's the language that you use? How do you speak to yourself?

Do you often say: “I can’t.” “It’s just not me”?

A simple and powerful way to change your language right now is called the Power Of YET. It's a great way to reframe your self-limiting thoughts. It can be used when you're struggling and finding yourself being negative about your abilities. Remind yourself that you haven't mastered that skill YET. So, you could say things like, “I haven't been able to train consistently YET.”  

"I'm not experienced at this YET.” 

"I can't seem to connect with my teen kids YET.”

"Being vulnerable is so hard; I can't do it YET.”

I'm going to take you through some self-awareness insights and something that's actually called the energy factor. When you think about the energy you expend every day, you probably don't give much thought to it. By the end of the day, you just feel exhausted. You feel fatigued.

I've heard so many of my clients express that this is how they're feeling on a day-to-day basis.

Let's just raise our self-awareness and think: What are we doing in our day?  

The first thing that you can do is make a list of your tasks. Suppose you're someone who plans out your week or even plans out your day, write down what you want to achieve that day. When you write down those tasks, just pause and think about how much energy each of those tasks actually takes

You can write them down in a percentage. For example, if you're a parent and you're getting your children out the door in the morning (you might have school children or very young children going to daycare), the effort of that in your mornings might take 20% of your energy.

For me, it does. I have two teenage sons, and it's definitely 20% of my energy before I've even started my day getting them out the door to school. So, I'll write 20% next to that.

The next thing is, what do you do after that? If you have to travel to work, that can also expend some energy. Then your working day or whatever you might be doing throughout your day will expend energy. So, going to work, it might be 40 -50%

So, you record down the percentage of how much energy over the day you think it's taken you.

It can be helpful to do this just after your task because you then have a bit more gauge around it. When you record this, just know that when you reach a hundred per cent, that is a full productive day.

Most of us go over a hundred per cent, and then we wonder why we're depleted and fatigued. Or we set ourselves up for failure right from the beginning, and we say, “I want to achieve all these things today and get them in. If I don't get it in, I'm not popping productive.

What we don't realise is we probably stacked our tasks and have an energy expenditure of like 150% - 200%. So, just being mindful of your energy factor will help you a lot and help you be more realistic in placing what kind of tasks you want to achieve in a day so that by the end, you are successful. 

The next one of these valuable self-awareness insights is: A yes, is also a no.

When you say ‘yes’ to something in your day, you are equally saying ‘no’ to something else. You might be saying ‘yes’ to loved ones; you might be saying ‘yes’ to work but remember, you only have a finite amount of energy per day, and every time you say ‘yes’, it takes you away from something else, which is a ‘no’.

If you are saying ‘yes’ to working back late, you're potentially saying no to spending time with your children and your partner or doing something for yourself like going to the gym, running, or socialising with friends. 

So, every time you say ‘yes’, remember, there is an equal ideal of you actually saying ‘no’ to something else. And, we oftentimes tend to say ‘no' to ourselves. So, creating healthy boundaries is very important. By doing that, you will realise that replenishment within yourself by reducing the number of nos you return to yourself will help you.

This leads me to the Interval Life Cycle. If we look at life as an interval-style training — so you reach peaks and then troughs and then peaks and then troughs — you go and understand that in life you're gonna be very busy at some points. Sometimes it's busy but manageable.

A lot of us tend to live life in a sprint phase. However, life is an endurance journey, so you can't be sprinting for long periods of time before you hit the wall — before you go fatigued, before you get frustrated, before something goes wrong, even with your health.

So, when you’re thinking about the interval life cycle, there is peak performance. So, if you know a project is coming up, if you think that there is some busy time with the family coming up or there's some major deadline that you have to work on, know that that is expending extra energy, classify that as the busy time.

So, that might go for a few days, a week, a few weeks, and even a month. Then the other side of where we're actually coming down after that deadline or after that accomplishment is the Operate and Restore.

So, this is your resting phase. This is super important to replenish the stores that you've already used as energy stores. So you're reaching your peak, you know you're running a hundred miles an hour, but soon as that deadline hits, you have to make an intentional effort to recover. That might mean (and everyone's different) running at 60% capacity for the next 3-4 days.

You might need to slow down and just do the absolute bare minimum. You might have to say ‘no’ a bit more to other people during that period to replenish your stores. But that is how you are actually going to build up your energy levels again.

So, when the next peak comes, you can run your race with sanity and with calmness. Yes, it will still be challenging, but it will become much more enjoyable. So, thank you for today. I profoundly believe that our lives are written in chapters, and the point is to keep growing and evolving.

So, embrace the uncertainty and enjoy the beauty of becoming.

Sandra Ciavarella – Well-being coach

Having built a life she loves, by continuously aligning her passions, values, strengths, lifestyle, and more importantly confronting her obstacles to truly thrive, Sandra Ciavarella now helps other busy and ambitious women do the same.

Connect with Sandra on LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/sandraciavarella

We Are Here to Help 

At People Builders, we have a team of expert trainers and coaches who can help you build your and your team’s Emotional Intelligence.  

Contact us today for a quick chat to see how we can partner with you to train and coach you and your team. 

If you are interested in becoming certified to be a trainer and coach in Social and Emotional Intelligence, Applied Neuroscience, or Extended DISC, go to our People Builders Institute website.