Reimagining a New World with Collective Emotional Intelligence

[This is the transcript of Session 4 at the Emotional Intelligence Online Summit 2022 with Avni Martin.]   

I am deeply grateful to have this opportunity to discuss with you a topic that is very close to my heart, as it can genuinely redefine how we relate to ourselves, others, and life itself.  

So, let's start our journey together to explore how you can reimagine a new world with collective emotional intelligence.  

Our world is at war, externally and internally, within ourselves and our families. So, having questioned why we exist in a way where conflict is the norm is part of our existence. We take it for granted that we will have conflict all around us.  

Why is it that not a single day passes that you do not experience conflict? Why do you experience becoming upset or hurt in your community or relationships?  

Why is conflict such a normal part of our human existence?  

Have you ever wondered what possibly could be the source of it? And is there a possibility of having a world where conflict is not normal? 

Take a moment to imagine a world where conflict is not normal — where peace is a norm in communities, relationships, and the world at large. As you imagine, I'd like to share a little story: 

While preparing for this presentation, I searched for stock images. I found out that as I typed in words: “world at war”, I got a lot of gruesome and real images. Then when I typed in: “world at peace”, I got unreal, edited, and symbolic images.  

Although these are just results from searching from an online search engine (and in their own right, it doesn’t mean a lot), I can’t help but ask: 

What does that really indicate to us about where the world is? Why is it that when we type the words "world at war”, we have a lot of real images, but when we type the words “world at peace”, we see computer-generated images? What does this really say? 

I believe that we have a gap in our imagination of what is possible in our world. Because of that, we have an aching gap as a reality in our world today.  

So, let's explore what this gap is. 

Before we do that, speaking of imagination, the words of two amazing humans come to my mind.  

Albert Einstein said, 

“Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited, whereas imagination embraces the entire world, stimulating progress, giving birth to evolution.” 

In short, he said that imagination gives birth to evolution. 

What if our imagination can fuel our evolution to have a peaceful world?  

If you can imagine a world at peace, then you can evolve internally so that your external life also evolves with it in a way that peace becomes normal.  

Evolution is both natural and unstoppable. As we all know and have seen through history and science, evolution is always in response to our survival. Right now, we know that our survival depends on us evolving to our next level of emotional intelligence and growth.  

Steve Jobs said: “The ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world are the ones who do.” 

So let us be crazy together and consider how we can evolve emotionally to have a world of peace. Peace can be a new norm as we evolve together.   

So, the question that comes to my mind is:   

Why do we have such internal and external conflicts with ourselves, others, and the community at large? Consider that. Why does conflict even exist? Why do we have that?  

I believe that the root cause of this is our programming — the way we think and our mindset — also, we can find another way to think, feel, believe, and be so that our humanity can be completely different and one that's at peace.   

So let me explain my thinking.  

Some of you may have come across this principle called System Thinking. 

At its core, it says that large-scale events happen because of collective patterns and behaviours. Now, these collective patterns and behaviours are happening over a long period of time. They only happen because we have systems and structures in place that enable, allow, and make it acceptable for them to happen at a large scale. These systems and structures are only there because of our collective mindset — it’s about how we think.  

Conflicts exist because of behaviours and patterns that are considered to be normal. We have systems and structures in place that support such behaviours and patterns. These systems and structures only exist because of our collective mindset.  

So, if we start to think differently individually and at a collective level, then we start to impact all the systems and structures, impacting our behaviours and results at an individual and collective level.  

Just take when I say the word “we”, I'm referring to not just one generation — we may not be able to do it immediately within one generation — but I'm referring to “we” as a humanity of multiple generations. It's about how we think so we can program and bring up the next generations because they will be future leaders. If we bring them up to think differently, they will create different structures and behaviour patterns, giving us different results. So it's about programming and reprogramming who we are as people — as humanity — so we can evolve in light of what we need to evolve for.  

So, it is absolutely and completely possible for us to change all large-scale systems, structures, patterns, and behaviours at a systemic level. As this happens, we can start to see a whole new world emerging that we never thought it was possible before.  

It all starts with us here today.  

Anything is possible if we imagine it is.  

Let's imagine a better world and make it happen. Now I'm sure many of you are wondering: 

“How do I do that?” 

“How do I, as one person, start to make this difference?”  

And "Can I even do that?”  

My answer is: 

Yes, you can.  

So, let's start by looking at this collective mindset that creates and perpetuates both internal and external conflict.  

This is like a mindset that you subscribe to — it’s a little bit like Netflix; however, you haven't paid for it, and it's omnipresent; it’s all around you. It's programmed within you whether you like it or not. 

It's a set of beliefs you are born and programmed into, which are viewpoints.  

But we are going to start to look at some of these sets of beliefs and viewpoints, and we will start to see that these sets of beliefs do give rise to conflict. Yet each of those sets of beliefs does not stand its ground when they're looked at objectively. If this is the case, why do we subscribe to those beliefs? 

The answer is simple: 

We are brought up into it.  

We are programmed that way.  

So, is it possible to change our programming? 

Absolutely, yes! 

We can change the culture anytime we want. The minute we say we want to change something, we can. It all starts with a nuclear family, with who we are as people first. 

As Gandhi said: “Be the change you want the world to see.” 

So, what is this change that we want the world to see? At a very practical level, what is this mindset? 

I'd like you to take a step back and think of a specific incident or conflict that you have personally experienced or are witnessing experience around you or the world at large. 

Think of conflict at any level. 

Take a moment to think about that one conflict you're imagining or seeing. You will find that it has three key elements in it. Conflict would not exist without these elements. Let's look at those elements that are common in all conflicts worldwide: 

1.“I am right, and you are wrong!”  

In every conflict, you will find this dynamic: One party will feel that they are right, and another person is wrong.  

2. One party believes that what they think, what they feel, their perspective or what they want is more important than what the other person wants.  

3. There was an action: Someone decided to act on the first two beliefs, which are “I am right” and “I'm important”, or “what I want is important”. Then they will act through it by speaking or doing something.  

“I'm right; you are wrong.”  

“I'm more important than you, and I will take action because of the first two.”  

So these are the three key elements that will be present in every single conflict.  

Now, take a macro perspective:  

“How often have you experienced these three elements in a difficult encounter?” 

Have you encountered someone who is adamant that they are right and you are wrong — that their thoughts or feelings were more important than yours as far as they’re concerned —  and decided to take action on that part?

How familiar does that sound to you? 

Let's look at these statements from an objective perspective.  

How true or helpful is it in relationships between two people, groups of people, and all countries that one side thinks and feels that they are right?  

They think and feel that what they want is more important, and they think and feel that they need to do things to prove it or get what they want.  

How true is it, and how helpful is it?  

When does that ever end well?  

These are the false sets of beliefs we are brought up with (like that Netflix channel I referred to earlier.)  

Let's look at the first one because the fact is that there are infinite perspectives. Truth — if there is such a thing as truth — is a sum of infinite perspectives. Each person has only got their slice of the truth. They've only got their perspective from where they're standing. But each person has got their perspective, and each person is right. So truth, if there is such a thing, is a sum of multiple perspectives.  

In terms of importance, whilst it may feel true to an individual, collectively and objectively speaking, and keeping long-term view at hand or in our minds, what's good for our world is that we consider each person has got something important to them.  

Collectively, everything that everyone wants is also important.  

So, it’s not fair or is not okay to think that what I want is more important than what I want.  

It's not sustainable.  

The point is: 

Does it lead to peace? Does it lead to sustainability long term?  

It doesn't. It leads to a threat to our survival.  

“I should take action because of the first two.”  

Most people react or act when they feel that they're right.  

How often does that really serve everyone's highest good?  

So, what are some alternate sets of beliefs? 

Each person has their perspective.

Each person's needs are just as important as others. 

It's best to take action only after we fully understand the first two. 

Let’s set Pinocchio aside for a moment.  

This is a very important conversation as the state of your happiness, success, progress, and that of the entire world depends on how you approach this.  

Our world (both micro and macro) is literally in our hands.  

At a very practical level, starting today, what can you do differently?  

How do you do this? 

There are three steps.  

The first one is to challenge your perceptions, beliefs, and mindsets.  

Let's start to look at why you should challenge your perceptions, beliefs and mindsets. You need to do this because your perception creates your reality.  

You may wonder what's reality got to do with perception.  

Reality is real.  

It's not a sum of what you think.  

So let's examine your perception and how it creates your reality.  

Think about it this way:  

Your reality is a sum of all the results in your life.   

All the results in your life, for what is in your control, come from what you say and do. 

Your actions and behaviour, which are what you say and do, come from how you see and think about things.   

So, your perspectives govern and determine your behaviour. And your behaviour creates your reality. 

Your perception has got everything to do with your reality. How you see things is a game changer.  

William Dier said:  

“If you change the way you see things, what you see changes.” 

If you change your perception, you change your reality.  

So continually challenging your perspectives is very important. One way to encourage yourself to do that is to think of how many times in your life you have thought that you were right, and it turned out you were not.  

Think of those times when other people thought they were right but were also not.  

Think of world leaders and decision-makers who've taken large-scale decisions, and they were convinced that they were right; they turned out that they were not.  

So, is it true that there is only one right?  

Can there be multiple versions of right? 

What is your benefit? What’s in it for you for considering other versions of what's right?   

The next step is to change our habits, assume less, and understand others first. 

 A good friend recently shared with me:  

“When you don't seek to win an argument, you may just be the true winner.”  

Think about that.  

You may be the winner when you don't seek to win an argument.  

Giving up on your need to be right and learning to understand why others are right will help transform your understanding and judgment and make you more emotionally aware of yourself and others.  

How exactly do we do this?  

Here you can see an image of a heart and a big ear.  

This is all about listening deeply. What’s interesting is the word ‘listen’ has the same letters as ‘silent’.  

So, this is really about listening to what people say and what they don't say. And truly try to understand their perspective and worldview and listen from your heart to truly understand their emotions.  

As I train people to become professional coaches, I often teach something that I call “emotional listening”. Emotional listening is listening to a person's emotions.  

This is important because everyone makes decisions from their emotions.  

Our emotions are our powerhouse.  

Many decisions we make are because we feel a certain way.  

Learning to listen to your emotions gives you invaluable knowledge and information you might simply miss if you only listen to someone’s words.  

You may have heard of the phrase:  

“Information is Power.” 

So why would you want to miss out on this treasure of information? You can use it for your own benefit, that of the world, and your relationships.  

How amazing would it be if you could really tap into this power (and of course you can)? All it takes is a little bit of effort and a little bit of self-training.  

Imagine the benefit this information will bring to yourself and to the world around you.  

Imagine having a debate, argument, or even a conversation with someone; if you can truly listen to understand the emotions that the other person is experiencing and going through, what would that do to your emotional intelligence? How will that impact what you say and what you do? How will that impact your results and that relationship?  

So, let's work to really change our habits to assume less and understand more. By truly listening to people's emotions, you can put aside your emotions, assumptions, filters, biases and perspectives for a moment to truly understand others with curiosity and presence. When you do this, you can assume for one moment that other people are right. And when you assume that, you will learn a new set of information you did not know before.  

So, learning to listen with patience and emotions and avoiding premature conclusions is a habit that will serve us very well in developing our collective emotional intelligence.  

The last step, but not the least, is to commit to refraining from any actions in terms of what you say and what you do until you do the first two steps. So make a mental note to really remind yourself to take a step back before taking any action.  

Can there be another version of perspective on this? Is this something that you possibly might have missed or not understood? Can we understand somebody more? Can you listen with greater patience and emotional intelligence?  

Remember that you can take back your thoughts and even feelings, but we cannot take back our words and actions.  

So, to summarise, let's work on challenging our perspectives and beliefs that “I am right”. Let us change our habits to assume less and understand more. And committing to only taking actions when we have done the first two.  

I hope I'm leaving you with a powerful possibility that you can truly imagine a world that listens more deeply to emotions.  

This is truly the bridge that takes us from judgments to understanding, from internal conflicts to internal peace, from external conflicts to external peace, and overall, a world at peace.  

I hope you really enjoyed this conversation, and I hope that this will make a difference to you in the way you listen, the way you interact, and find your peace. Let us redefine how we relate to ourselves, others, and the world at large. 

Avni Martin - Master Certified Coach (MCC) with the International Coaching Federation (ICF) 

Avni is the Founder and Director of an ICF Accredited coach training school, a Global Director of ICF Coaching Education Board, and a recognized thought leader and speaker, with over 22 years of experience in leading change. 

Avni works with leadership, teams, and organisations, to rewrite their past perspectives, unlock present potential and deliver future possibilities.